Nokia 770: The Endgame

Why Do I Hate Thee, Nokia 770000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000? Let Me Count The

As you can tell, if you’re up to date in your reading here, I’m typing (ho, it kills that word!) this blog entry using a Bluetooth keyboard with the Nokia 770.

While I’m doing this entry, I intend to leave in every instance of the 770 going berzerk. As you can see, it started going nuts from the start!

What could incite such bitter disgust and raging hatred in me towards a device? I’ve been using tech professionally for twenty-seven years.

1) Someone Very Stupid With Power at Nokia decided tap-tap-tapping with a stylus on an on-screen keyboard would be enough input ability for the 770. Can you imagine that? I mean, just stop and ponder that for a moment. Nokia, which surely must have reams of research about how texting is used on their phones, decided tap-tap-tapping would be enough on a Tablet! Didn’t their own research indicate how much people text? Do they really think people would behave identically if they had to tap-tap-tap an on-screen soft keyboard on their phones? Or did they think texting-like messages — called telegrams once upon a time! — on an alleged full-blown pocket computer would be enough? And then when you consider that Nokia sells a Bluetooth keyboard for their phones, your head really starts to spin over why the hell the 770 can’t handle a Bluetooth keyboard from the word go! It has to be done via a hack. And, as the evidence shows herein,
tttttttttttttttt does not work well. Now how’s that for timiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing, huh? And that too!

2) The browser crashes. A fucking lot. And there is just absolutely no way to predict when that will happen, either. I’ve had it happen when I’ve had one window open and tapped on a link to open a second window. I’ve had it happen when I’ve had ten windows open. On the other hand, I’ve actually had the 770 perform — grab the floor so you don’t fall off it upon reading the next word! — magnificently with over twelve windows open! No crash, no memory problems, no sluggishness or slowing down. That miracle of miracles happened with the initial edition of Tablet OS 2006. The update to that destroyed that ability and sterling stability. Now the 770 is back to being a goddammed crash-happy piece of shit. If you think this is trivial, get off your complacent ass and out of the house with your 770 when it’s a bitter cold winter’s night with temperatures in the 20s (F) and wind chils in the single digits. Now go access some websites that you absolutely have to see because they are part of a mission-critical task you have to do. Are you gonna be all smiley-smiley-stupid when the browser goes south? Or when the 770 refuses to do a godammed thing unless you first reboot it? No, don’t try to blame the cold. This same shit happened to me in moderate weather too. I’ve lost more time, more work, and more money using the 770 than I ever did usiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing PalmOS! The entire point of the 770 is supposed to be such on-the-go see-it-anywhere net access. Imagine beiiiiiiinng one of those Corporate Suiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiits I’m sure Nokia would like to sell to in bulk quantities and having to rely on this device!

3) How about having a File Manager that crashes too? Up until recently, it did that. And despite the initial edition of Tablet OS 2006 briefly bringing miraculous stability and breadth to the browser, it degraded the performance of the File Manager. It became so glacially slow that many times I’d just have to give up and reboot because I thought it had simply got caught in some bizarre loop.

4) How about having the browser not letting you save a bookmark and leaving you with no choice but to reboot? How many times have I been merrily following a trail of interesting links only to hit a site I absolutely wanted to bookmark to check again? Many times! And how many times did trying to save a bookmark freeze the browser completely requiring a reboot? Nearly as many times! Sometimes asking to save a bookmark would make the browser crash on its own with only a single window open. Poof!

5) Why put in something that looks like a word processing program if it can’t handle more than just about 2K of text? Why give it the ability to choose fonts, font attributes, and paragraph formatting? What is the sense in this? Notes, the program that is part of the included 770 apps, is just a piece of shit and should either be thrown out totally or completely rewritten. I wrote entire books on a Commodore-64 using EasyScript64. I struggle getting articles done with Notes on the 770. This is just inexcusable. Making things worse is what happens if you try to select a lot of text from a site and paste it into Notes. Notes just about dies of a digital heart attack. Don’t look for a real word processing program for the 770, either. There was one called Abi-Word, but I gave up on it after it destroyed a document my fifth time using it. Also, with Notes, a bug Nokia has not fixed results in saved files opening with multiple blank lines between paragraphs.

I won’t get into things such as the Audio Player, Video Player, Email program, or handwriting recognition. The first two are basic and aren’t essential to using the 770 as a web access or productivity tool. I use web-based email, so the supplied Email client is of no use to me anyway. I gave up on HWR because it was just too slow and desperation made me get speedy at tap-tap-tapping with a stylus (the included word-completion feature helped there; but not always — it tends to forget words, especially after a crash and reboot!). The Photo application is a simple viewer, better than nothing, but it’s the one thing that’s never crashed on me!

As for RSS, see here. Nothing has changed. It still won’t come back to life!

All of the above might seem very trivial to some people. But it’s not! Multiply the above problems by several times daily for over a year and you would start using the words Shit and Fuck pretty liberally too when it came to talking or writing about the 770! Unless you have ever experienced this level of frustration, its impact will probably elude you. But because Nokia has aided in turning me into a mad ruthless son of a bitch, I can only wish that you will experience such unrelenting misery. Then you can come back here, read this again, and understand.

Plus, I haven’t mentioned every bug, just the ones that appear just about every day.

So why have IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII have used it and bitcccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccched about it all this time?

I was at the blogger wooing event Nokiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiia hosted in Newwwwwwwwwwwww York City. I was getting out of the handheld field, but tttttttthe 770 intrigued me and I went at the lastttttttt minute. IIIIIIIIIIIIIIII neverrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr expected Nokia to pass out frrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrree 770s! When I decided tooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo keep it, I ffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff
fffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffelt obligated to aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaactually use it and report on my experrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrriences. Unlike InfoWorld which dismissed it seemingly in a few hours (and iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit turns out they were correct!), I was determined to see this through and give Nokia a great big benefit of the doubt. Stupid, stupid me! It’s been shit from the start and it has remained shit over a year later!

I could name the other bloggers who were at that event. They are part of the group I call dirty sons of bitches. Because none of them have written truthfully about the 770. Some of them haven’t bothered to write about it at all! They’d raaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaather pay their rent and hosting fees on your
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaacks and kiss Nokia’s ass than look outttttttttttttttttt for your inttttttttttttttttterests as their readers. I won’t name them because it’s clear they hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhaave no shame to begin with and my naming tttttttttttttttttttttttthem would be pointless. IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII can see how this game is being played. It’s the same filthy crooked bullshit that brought down several tech magazines in the mid-1980s. At least for myself I know now who can and can’t be trusted.

And speaking of trust, you can’t trust Nokia. I accuse Nokia employees of posting on sites without declaring they are employees or contractors in the employ of Nokia. Can I prove this? Don’t be stupid. This is the internet. Tracks can be covered. But I have seen too many posts from people who have knowledge that only Nokia employees would have. At least one of them has tried to impugn my credibility on what a pile of shit the 770 is. To him specifically I say: Fuck you. You are a crooked son of a bitch and I’ll be glad to punch your face in if we ever meet and you have the balls to declare yourself to me.

My original plan was to have a next, and final!, Nokia post that would have been my Deathmatch Fondle of the N800. But all that’s changed with the announcement of the Apple iPhone. The N800 is irrelevant and Nokia itself now begins its death spiral. Good riddance!

Note: I had to manually insert Returns into the long strings of repeating text in order for the blogging software to display them in their entirety. Even then, you might see fewer of them depending on which font your browser is using.

8 Responses to Nokia 770: The Endgame

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