Here at the Mike Cane Worldwide Espionage And Global Miscellany Headquarters (LLC), we’ve engaged the employment of someone who is skilled in retro-remote viewing. We’ve put his talents to work on behalf of Heather the Hot’s defense and he’s come through with the goods! I am pleased to present this official retrochronological transcript of the alleged crime as it actually happened!
Meth Bitch Ashley: Oh, wait, Heather. I need to stop in a bank and make a withdrawal so I can continue to buy meth and fuck up my life.
Heather the Innocent: I didn’t know you had a bank account, Ash!
Meth Bitch Ashley: Oh, yeah! I’ve been saving the change I get back from all my meth buys!
Heather the Innocent: Wow. I didn’t know you get change. Is that like that cash-back thing they have for cars and some credit cards?
Meth Bitch Ashley: Oh, it’s even better! Look, here’s the bank. Let’s go in. Here, you better put on these sunglasses. There are very bright lights in there! I know you have sensitive eyes.
Heather the Innocent: (giggles) Well, OK, if you say so, Ash.
Meth Bitch Ashley: (hands over slip of paper to her accomplice)
Heather the Innocent: Ashley, you didn’t even use a withdrawal slip!
Meth Bitch Ashley: Oh, that’s OK. I’m good friends with this teller. He knows me real well. Besides, this bank is kinda cool about paperwork.
Heather the Innocent: Really? Wow. Maybe I should deposit all my earnings from stripping that I’ve been saving for college!
Teller accomplice: How you bitches — uh, how you ladies doin’ t’day?
Meth Bitch Ashley: We’re fine.
Teller accomplice: Yeah. I can see that!
Heather the Innocent: Sorry I have these sunglasses on. Ashley says the bright lights will hurt my eyes.
Teller accomplice: You listen to Ashley. My girl knows what’s she’s doin’.
Meth Bitch Ashley: Uh, I’m kinda in a hurry.
Teller accomplice: (hands over fat pile of cash that he had all ready!) Here ya go, Ashley. Y’all have a good day now. I’ll see y’all at the Meth Mansion later.
Meth Bitch Ashley: (puts fat wad of money in her bag — see photo! see photo!)
Heather the Innocent: Wow, Ashley! That was a big pile of money!
Teller accomplice: She’s a big girl too. I’m big in my own way too!
Heather the Innocent: (giggles at teller’s joke — see photo! see photo!)
Meth Bitch Ashley: Let’s get the fuck out of here, Heather. I gotta get some meth. Then I’ll treat you to a hairdo later. I’ll even give you fifty dollars to tip the stylist!
Heather the Innocent: You’re a good friend, Ashley. I just wish you’d stop taking meth and go to college like I’m going to do.
Meth Bitch Ashley: Goddammit, Heather, get off my tits about that! You can be such a bitch sometimes!
Heather the Innocent: (meekly) I’m sorry!
The evidence is clear! Heather the Hot is INNOCENT!
Chant after me:
Free Heather now!
Free Heather into the custody of Mike Cane NOW!
Prior coverage of that free-spirited bank-robbing heart-breaking hair-styling stalker-creating transvestite-making book-learning non-poetry-writing and totally innocent of the charges she-goddess, Heather The Hot, in this blog:
Barbie Bandits! Heather Johnston! Hot Sex! Free Movies! FREE!!
Heather The Hot: WTF?! Poetry?!!?
Heather The Hot DEFINES Hot!
Heather The Hot: Hot YouTube Vids, A Parasitic Filmmaker, Two MySpace Pages, America’s Most Wanted, And A Muslim Connection!
Heather The Hot: Hot Crime And Cold Punishment
Heather The Hot: See? I’ve Found A Way For Our Love To Grow!
Heather The Hot: The Results Are In!
Heather The Hot: The Early Legal Years
Heather The Hot: Hot Action Photos!
Heather: She Has A Hot Brain Too!
Heather: Hotter Than Ever!
Heather: Unrepetant And Still Hot!
I Should Have Known The Hot One Is Named Heather
Hold Me Up, Then Tie Me Down!