1. “Hardly anybody reads me.”
That’s not true here, and frankly it shocks the shit out of me. This blog has developed a core audience, and only God Almighty Himself understands why. I see the Blog Stats on my Dashboard here. One-time visitors from search engines and external links are just a small fraction of the daily readership. This blog does not fall below a certain number of readers each day — a number that is actually growing, too. The only dip comes on weekends, which is when I am unlikely to blog anyway. Even more shocking to me is that I happened to look at the RSS feed stats and had to inhale smelling salts when I saw it went from being zero for the longest time to having a large number too.
2. “The more companies pay me, the more I like their stuff.”
Ha ha ha! No company can pay me enough to shill their shit or to shut my mouth when they produce something that intersects with my presence. Really, what did Nokia get for their freebie to me? The fucking truth! I’ve lambasted the toadies of Microsoft who suck up for their shitty MVP stickers. I won’t kiss any company’s ass. I won’t kiss any company’s ass. I won’t kiss any company’s ass. (For journalists and the similarly dim, those are three distinct links; I wasn’t stuttering.) The one time I actually invited a vendor to let me kiss their ass, they turned pussy and never replied. That last post I just did about Gerry Anderson’s Terrahawks? It was love.
3. “Did I mention I’m not a real reporter?”
Do I have to mention I have had four books published by a major publisher? I have, but I won’t link to them. So fuck you. Where are your real books?
4. “I might infect your computer with a virus.”
If that happens here, it’s something that’s infected WordPress itself and is not coming from me. Homey don’t play that.
5. “I’m revealing company secrets.”
No. I’ve been under NDAs. I abide by them. On the other hand, if an employee of mine was blogging behind-the-scenes stuff about my operation, I’d fire his ass. Then the big-mouthed immature untrustworthy asshole could blog all he wants while he drowns in the juices of his public humiliation and failure.
6. “Just because my name’s on it doesn’t mean I wrote it.”
Unless it’s in blockquotes or I explicitly state otherwise, all these words are mine. Aim those rocks at me me me!
7. “My blog is just a stepping stone to bigger and better things.”
Maybe, maybe not. I didn’t start out with that goal. But everyone likes money and a posse of willing, adoring, loose women. Especially me.
8. “I can control what you see on the Internet.”
Uh, no. I have better things to do with my time. The sole instance of my minor goosing of Google was one I very explicitly stated.
9. “Blogging just about ruined my life.”
This has yet to be determined. Anyway, define “life” first.
10. “I’m already obsolete.”
Some people have voices for radio. Some people have faces for video. My voice and face are best masked by print. As Balzac famously observed, “Genius often wears a mask of stupidity.” I like walking around without anyone knowing it’s me. Christ, you people open your mouths so freely, revealing your true vomitous selves, and it feeds my contempt! Keep it up, baby.