Quote Of The Day

alli: Miracle diet pill with teeny-tiny side effect

Oh. My. Fucking. God. They are so sure you are going to shit your pants they are saying you should accept the inevitable. There is no way to avoid this. So wear dark pants to hide the liquid shit stains. And bring a change of clothes. Because your first set are going to get impregnated with liquid shit.

Oh if only I could witness this in public!

You would never believe the walking fat mammoths I encounter every every every day. I keep wondering how the hell anyone could become that massive. Hell, how can you even sit without deforming your groin area? Can these people even have sex? (Horrifyingly, I see some with children! Why are these wads allowed to reproduce? Only a man who is totally fucking insane would want to stick his dick into one of them. Great: We can look forward to a future of waddling serial killers!)

But life is too often cruel to me. It’ll be supermodels who’ll dig this drug. Those gorgeous neurotics who think looking like a victim of a mass starvation is the chic thing. I don’t want to see some slinky woman leaving an oily trail behind her (although…. hmmmm, if I carry a roll of toilet paper, maybe that’ll be a great way to get a future date! But then, why would I want a woman who has to wear a Depend diaper while in her twenties?!!?).

On the other hand, this does open the door for some cruelty. When you see some walking whale struggling to get to a restroom, remember these magic words: “Oh, it’s out of order.”

It’s your chance to get back at them for all the times they tried to squeeze their yard-wide asses into that one-foot-wide seat next to you on the bus or subway!

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