Movie: Dumb Hard

The official title is Live Free or Die Hard, but mine is truthful.

It’s never a good sign when a movie opens up with people sitting, typing away at keyboards and looking at screens. I should have realized it would all be downhill from there.

And it was.

It was just So Freakin Stupid!

The only saving grace was McClane’s defiant daughter and the fact that Bruce Willis must have ad-libbed his own dialog (because all of the remaining dialog would have made even Stan Lee throw up!).

Look, movie makers, stop making movies with people sitting at keyboards and screens. Just stop it right now! None of that is exciting. I don’t care if you think you’re reflecting what you think is Real Life — why do I want to watch a movie where people are doing what I just did before entering the theater?!!? It’s not only boring, it’s irritating as hell because none of you seem to have ever touched a computer in your damned lives and your mistakes on-screen are legion and are more than simply annoying!

And what alternate universe do you people live in where letters or graphics appearing on a screen generates a skrinchy dee-dee-dee-dee-dee sound?! If my PC did that, I — along with most of the world’s population — would be descending on both Bill Gates and Steve Jobs to eviscerate them for the non-stop noise!

I’m not even going to go into the plot, which was just such bloody nonsense. What I will point out is the utter contempt of the alleged “writers” of this atrocity for the audience. Do you really think we’re all so stupid that no one would realize what you were doing with that natural gas bullshit? I can see you potheads sitting around on your overfed and untalented asses coming up with that brainstorm: “Hey, let’s try to kill McClane with the biggest fart ever put in a movie!!! Wouldn’t that be kewl? Hyuk-hyuk.” Who the hell wrote this crap — Beavis and Butt-Head?! (No: by comparison, B&B look like intellects!)

The first Die Hard was an original, brilliant, and exciting-as-hell movie. One man finds himself trapped in a situation he has to fight his way out of. How semiotic is that?! That movie probably sent shockwaves through the philosophic intelligentsia in France and spawned millions of college campus discussions that led to thousands of dissertations.

Ever since that first one? Pfft! Crap! Dreck! Desperation! Hackdom!

This one was the worst of the bunch because it cloaked itself in such pretensions.

Man, that geek Willis had to drag around with him — was that the guy who plays the Mac in the TV ads? It sure looked like him. I’m too lazy to look it up — and I really don’t want to know. The character is repugnant in a TV ad — and you had to give him a movie?!

I rarely go to see movies in theaters because of the de-civilized audiences (oh, please please please give me free reign to kill the talkers and the cellphone addicts! please please please!). Now I have another reason to avoid seeing movies: the movies themselves have gotten dumber than the audience!

If you haven’t seen this one yet, skip it. Save your time and brain cells.

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