Quaker Oats Must Die!

My frantic email to them:

Suddenly I can’t find your plain or berry Crunchy Oatmeal Bars on Staten Island. They seem to have been replaced by more Chewy and a new “Sweet & Salty” mutation. The “Sweet & Salty” are simply disgusting and I won’t ever buy them again. Are you still making the Crunchy Oatmeal Bars? Can you get your distributors to get some on the shelves of the supermarkets in this area again? Thank you.

I go to to their website — and the Crunchy ones aren’t listed anywhere!

All they have are those rotten Chewy ones that stick to the teeth and are a real choking hazard too! And that new Sweet & Salty? Whoever came up with that should simply be taken outside Quaker HQ and set on fire as a lesson not to fuck with good products.

Now I’ve got to spend this evening — which threatens to be a non-stop hellacious downpour — going from one supermarket to another buying up the remaining stock of the Crunchy bars.

Hey, Quaker Oats! Do you know how much I hate oatmeal? Do you know that as I kid I’d rather eat my own vomit than your oatmeal? Do you realize that your Crunchy oatmeal bars are the only oatmeal of yours I’ll ever eat? Do you know how many people I’ve recommended those to?

And now you went and discontinued them?

You’ve just joined Nokia on my You Must Go Bankrupt list.

You wanna shut me up? My silence can be rented.

Hint A.

Hint B: A caravan of eighteen-wheelers. Pallets ain’t enough.

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